Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
