thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
