Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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