dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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