well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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