Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
