Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
