Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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