I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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