I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
