my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I still have a little drunk in my system
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
