I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
