that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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