I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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