my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
