woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
