I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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