I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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