then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
im holly from the hills drunk
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
