What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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