Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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