if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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