I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
