Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
