i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
