I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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