We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
