I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
