the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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