Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
