If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
