She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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