I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
