1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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