Four minutes until I can fart!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
