Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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