Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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