All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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