why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize