guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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