Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
