saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
