mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
