one might say we're banned from that church
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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