How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
