if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
