Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
