My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
