He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
