the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
