I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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