Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
