Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
