what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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