THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize