she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
